Success starts with a positive attitude. Here’s how to stop holding yourself back and get the life you want.
When coaching kids there are two different aspects about sports that must be mastered for the athlete to experience the best performance. The first is the physical – the athlete must possess the physical skills necessary to complete the challenges required to win in any sport. The other is mental – the athlete must possess the mental skills necessary to drive their body to complete the physical challenges and overcome any fears or mental blocks that would hinder their performance. For many athletes the mental aspect of their sport is the most difficult part of their training. One of the best tools for the mental aspect of the training is a positive attitude, which is necessary for an athlete to be successful. This article by Kristyn Kusek, which appeared in the magazine Fitness (September 2004), discusses many of the basic negative thoughts that keep people from being successful. Not all of the examples have to do with athletics or gymnastics; however, the “change-your-thinking tricks” can be used to combat most of the negative thoughts that are heard in the gym regularly.
Flip Your Inner Critic – By Kristyn Kusek – Fitness (September 2004)
Success starts with a positive attitude. Here’s how to stop holding yourself back and get the life you want.
“My butt’s too big… My Hair is a disaster… I’ll never get promoted.” If this sounds like the voice in your head, you’re not alone – women are notorious for beating themselves up. Unfortunately, self-criticism doesn’t just put you in a bad mood; it can also prevent you from living up to your fabulous potential. “The biggest difference between people who are successful and people who aren’t isn’t education, background or talent,” says Shad Helmstetter, Ph.D., author of Who Are You Really and What Do You Want? ( Park Avenue Press, 2003). “It’s attitude. Our brain doesn’t know the difference between true and untrue statements. By repeating negative messages, you begin to believe and act on them. To move forward, change you outlook by learning new, positive self-talk.” We’ve identified the most effective ways to transform common destructive thoughts into ultra-motivating ones. See which assumptions are holding you back and then reshape them to create the no-fail attitude of a champion.
“I’m not very athletic.”
*Why it holds you back: This is classic “I’ve never done it, so I’ll suck at it” thinking. Instead of trying something new, you let apprehension prevent you from finding out just how skilled you might be. “The strange truth is that it’s more comfortable to just stay terrified and lazy,” says Marjorie Brody, author of Life Without Limits (Career Skills Press, 2003). Although you may dream of running a marathon or attending culinary school, you create excuses – “I’m not the athletic type” or “I’m not talented enough to become a chef” – to avoid embarrassing yourself, struggling to succeed or failing.
*Change-your-thinking trick: “Create evidence that challenges your assumption,” says Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Living Your Best Life (Tarcher, 2004). The key is turning your desires into concrete targets so you have a road map of success. First, type out what you want: “One study found that only 3 percent of participants write down their goals,” says Helmstetter. “But when you list you objectives, you have a 60-80 percent chance of achieving them.” Once you’ve identified your intention, list the specific steps that will help you move forward. If you want to run a 10K, sign up for a race six months from now. Next, talk to a coach or join a running club to develop a training schedule. By taking small, manageable steps, you’ll achieve mini goals– “I ran two miles today! I am a runner!” –that create momentum, boost your confidence and prove that success is on the way.
“If I cut back to part-time at work, our debt will mount up and ruin us.”
*Why it holds you back: “These thoughts are called magnification,” says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much (Henry Holt, 2003). “By focusing on the negatives of the situation, you invent a catastrophe where one doesn’t exist to justify not making a big move.” As in the example above, these beliefs are rooted in fear. You’re not a savvy budgeter or you’re afraid to make financial sacrifices, so you assume the worst to avoid doing something new.
When making a life change it’s common for women to ruminate and overanalyze. Too much back-and-forth fretting over different options can backfire. “You get stuck in cycles of thinking instead of moving forward,” says Nolen-Hoeksema. “This gives you more time to decide, which lowers your confidence and immobilizes you.”
*Change-your-thinking trick: First, think practically. Big decisions require legwork. Consider the real pros and cons – not the ones you’ve imagined. F you want to work part-time, list the advantages and disadvantages to help you see your situation realistically. You won’t be able to spend as much money on extras like movie rentals and pizza deliveries, for example, but you’ll be around to play board games and make pizza with your friends and loved ones. Assess each factor carefully and logically – you’ll most likely find that you were blowing the negatives out of proportion.
After making you decision, expect some hand-wringing; it’s normal. Keep fears from spiraling out of control by monitoring how you speak to yourself. “Talk with confidence and eliminate vagueness from you language,” says Kenneth W. Christian, Ph.D., an organizational consultant and author of Your Own Worst Enemy: Breaking the Habit of Adult Underachievement (Regan Books, 2002). Christian says to watch for wishy-washy phrases like “kind of” and “sort of.” If you’ve decided to try to get your paintings shown at a gallery, don’t tell yourself, “I’m not sure if anyone will like my work.” Be assertive with your words and focus on the positive: “Somebody will love my work.”
“The last time I approached a guy, he turned me down. Why would anything be different now?”
*Why it holds you back: Psychologists call this “over-generalizing,” taking your experience in a given situation and applying it to similar ones. It’s another defense mechanism. The last time you approached someone, you got brushed off, so to avoid feeling vulnerable again, you assume the same outcome and figure it’s not worth it. This can manifest itself in many different areas of your life – your job (why negotiate for a raise if you got turned down before?), your friendships (why ask for a favor if she wouldn’t do it last time?), or social situations (why join another book club when the first one was a bust?).
*Change-your-thinking trick: In the same way that focusing on the glass-half-empty brings you down, believing the best will happen engenders good result. Learn to be optimistic: Whenever you think something negative (“He’ll snub me if I go talk to him”), immediately turn it into a positive statement, which encourages you toward action (“I’ll be so charming and interesting, he’ll be thrilled I’m talking to him”). You live up to your labels. You’ll be surprised by the power of positive thoughts, even if you don’t entirely believe them at first.
“I should be married / a mother / promoted by now.”
*Why it holds you back: You’re putting yourself on a timeline that has nothing to do with your unique life. Instead of concentrating on everything you’re doing well, you’re focusing on what’s not going a planned. Even if you’re dissatisfied with you status, judging your life against another person’s, an imaginary ideal or your own expectations won’t propel you forward. It’s an attempt to evaluate your life when you’re feeling insecure – you look at others’ lives to see how you measure up: “Am I earning enough money at my age?” “Are the clothes stylish enough?” “Should I be driving a more expensive car?” Ultimately, though, this hurts your confidence and self-esteem.
*Change-your-thinking trick: When a negative or self-defeating thought enters your mind, ask yourself, Does this statement get me where I want to go? Advises Fortgang. “If it offers direction or guidance, then follow up on the information,” she says. If it doesn’t, concentrate on the actionable steps that will get you to your goal. For example, lamenting the fact that you’re single isn’t going to put Mr. Right on your doorstep – it will only make you feel depressed and alone. Instead, outline what you could do to meet a potential husband, whether it’s asking friends to set you up, expanding your social circle or attending and getting involved in activities that you like. Write down everything you can do to improve the situation (like accepting more invitations or being more open with your body language). “It takes attitude and perseverance to create change,” says Brody. “Take one small step and keep an eye on what’s next.”
“I feel guilty about how a friendship ended.”
*Why it holds you back: Taking ownership of the lows in your life prevents you from leaving the past behind. Most women tend to feel inordinately guilty when a relationship doesn’t work out – you can’t figure out what happened, so you assume you’ve done something wrong. Maybe you and a childhood pal have simply grown apart and have too little in common to sustain the friendship. Instead of accepting that, you blame yourself for the demise of the relationship.
*Change-your-thinking trick: “When a friendship ends or changes think about your role, “ says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., an instructor at Harvard Medical School and author of Pivot Points (Evans Press, 2005). “You may not be the creator of a problem, but ask yourself – and an objective observer, if necessary – if you’re a contributor.” Whether or not the blame lies on your shoulders, the key to sidestepping guilt (or eliminating it if it’s about a past relationship) is to find closure. Simply expressing your emotions – to the person or on a piece of paper that you toss immediately after you’ve jotted down your thoughts – may be all it takes to feel better and put the issue to rest. The bottom line: When you’ve done everything you can about a situation – whether it’s releasing a grudge or acknowledging that you haven’t made attempts to stay in touch with someone for good reason – move on.
“No matter what I do, I’m always late / messy / cranky.”
*Why it holds you back: “Sometimes we talk negatively about ourselves to avoid responsibility,” says Christian. For instance, maybe it looks like a hurricane hit your office, but instead of cleaning it, you whine, “I’ve always been so unorganized.” Or you allow yourself to stay discontented because “it’s just the ways I am” when, really, you don’t want to do the work it takes to change.
*Change-your-thinking trick: Beware of blanket statements that include the words always and forever, like “I’m always going to be miserable” or “I’ll be out of shape forever.” “You’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says Kauffman. To change your life, challenge your beliefs about your future: Will you really always be miserable? What can you do to not be that way? In what scenario can you picture yourself feeling differently? Cultivate the traits you want and downplay the ones you don’t. “If you’re not happy with your behavior, acknowledge and change it,” says Kauffman. Maybe you’re a procrastinator. Do you put off a big project when smaller things like errands, appointments, or phone calls overwhelm you? What can you do to change this? If you need to write a bi report next week, get you little to-do’s – picking up the dry cleaning, catching up on emails and shopping for groceries – done over the weekend so you don’t drag your feet on the assignment. Finally, focus on all of your favorable qualities. Maybe you have adopted your mother’s tendency to bicker or your father’s stubborn streak. Instead of concentrating on that, think of the enviable traits you inherited – compassion and an ability to deliver sharp one-liners at the drop of a hat. When you accentuate the positive, you start believing in – and creating more of – the fantastic possibilities in your own unique, fabulous life.
